Album Review: Desperate Spinsters – “Sexless Restless and Cruel”

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I’ve seen a lot of bands use gimmicks over the years, such as always wearing matching suits even in face-melting temperatures. Until Desperate Spinsters came along, I had never heard of a band taking on old-lady personas in order to play loud, fast and angry punk rock. I guess there is a first time for everything.

The first time I listened to Desperate Spinster’s most recent EP, “Sexless Restless and Cruel,” I had to pause halfway through the first song in an attempt to stave off the headache that would be inevitable after listening to all six tracks. Since this is a band of old-lady impersonators, I have a feeling that they take particular glee in knowing that their EP should be sold with a six-pack and some Tylenol.

So the first listen was a bust. That’s when I realized that in order to listen to furious, blistering punk rock, I needed to be just as furious as the people who made the EP. Makes sense, right? So I did what any normal, sane person does when they want to make themselves furious: I took a rush-hour bus after work, on one of the most crowded city routes. It had screaming kids, screaming parents, people who block the doors for people trying to embark or disembark, baby carriages the size of Hummers that manage to run over every person’s foot- the works.

A funny thing happened. Suddenly, Desperate Spinsters complaining about old people (“Shut The Fuck Up About Your Grand Kids,” “Waddling Decrepit Wisconsinites”), talking about alcohol (“Everything We Do Revolves Around Alcohol”), or about whatever popped into their heads (“Gang Raped By Boxcar Hobos”) becomes bearable. Beyond bearable, in fact. It practically becomes therapeutic. Finally, you aren’t the only person who hates everything- this band does too! Especially old people.

“Sexless Restless and Cruel” might not become your next favorite album, but after a particularly grueling day, listening to a band like Desperate Spinsters will make you realize that you’re not alone. You have a punk band of old-lady impersonators on your side.

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